Repented Pharisee

The term "Repented Pharisee" is both painful and comforting to me. Painful because it reminds me of my Pharisaic tendencies. Comforting because of the knowledge that God is always faithful to guide me to repentance and the subsequent reconciliation to Him.

Obviously, I am using the word “Pharisee” in the pejorative sense as found in the context of the Gospels. Some people immediately associate Pharisees with those who received impeccable theological education. Because Jesus rebuked the Pharisees, some view theologians with suspect. This view is incorrect.

It is true that the Pharisees in the Gospels were well-versed with scripture. However, it was not their theological pursuit that Jesus disapproved. Rather, it was their hypocrisy, pride, legalism, and rejection of the incarnated Word, Jesus Christ, that was condemned. These were the people who thanked God for not sinning like their neighbours and loved to be praised for their holiness and devoutness. They were blinded with pride and hypocrisy. They had an air of superiority. They thought they were all that.

I suppose there was nothing wrong for a Jew to join the Pharisee sect. In fact, given the circumstances of those times, I find it commendable. But the Pharisees, whom Jesus describe as being blinded, should have flocked to Him when the scriptures they so painstakingly memorised are all pointing to Him to be the Messiah. But they did not.

I consider myself a Pharisee because of what I have learned from young. Unfortunately, like the biblical Pharisees, I too fell into the trappings of hypocrisy. On the one hand, I thundered righteousness to others. On the other, I indulged in sin. I would pretend up a holy living in front of others but secretly lived a double life.

I also felt superior to my peers and scorned at their ignorance and was disdainful of their public sins. I thought that I would never sin like they did.

The worst of it all, while I was able to articulate much concerning God and His will, I had neither many experiences of His presence nor was submissive to His biddings.

One day, by His mercy, He showed me how little time I spent in fellowship with Him. I was made to realise that beyond the facade, I have nothing Christ-like to show for. Neither had I grown in Him. I remained the “Bible Boy” (that’s what some older Christians called me) who was far away from Jesus.

The repentance that ensued was painful and with plenty of tears. The sense of forgiveness and reconciliation after that was the most joyful thing in my life. I wrote a poem entitled “Repented Pharisee” to commemorate that day and it was then that I began to use this phrase.

A couple of years passed and I was again feeling invulnerable. Pride began to creep in and the air of superiority returned with a vengeance. People were praising me for my eloquence in the Word and diligence in my faith. I was primed for a long and windy fall.

The fall came and hit me so hard that I almost turned apostate. It was so traumatic that I can still feel it today, even after some years now. God was nowhere to be found and would not even lend a finger to lift me up. It seemed that God would not hear my pleas for forgiveness and that He had shut His ears and thrown me out with the trash. I felt totally abandoned and rejected by God and I gave up trying for even I would not forgive myself if I were God.

So I spent a year or two with a depressed conscience and without God. Although I have stopped my evil lifestyle, the repercussions continued to build up. If God would not help me, I would solve it myself. The problems kept compounding and eventually became unmanageable. My life was a living hell. The monster I created now even haunts my family.

I was crushed. I was completely defeated. My world was crumbling around me. As the events of those two years climaxed and were coming home to roost, I cried for God to help once more and this time He did – and He did so at the most urgent moment. All of a sudden, everything seemed to take care of itself. The aftershocks remained for yet another half a year but they were manageable. It dawned on me that the solution to the 500 pound gorilla problem was prepared since a fortnight earlier and the all-problem-solving phone call only came after I capitulated to God. I finally understood the meaning of God’s sovereignty.

I learned something so real and precious that I will not ever forget. I learned that the moment God withdraws His grace from me, I will sin like the worst of men. I learned that I didn’t fall to such an extent prior to this was simply an act of undeserved favour from the loving God and not because of my strength and resolve.

This experience taught me that I have nothing to boast except Christ. It helped me to be more understanding and sympathetic when counselling others, being subconsciously reminded of my own failures all the time.

Since then, I had more cycles of ups and downs dealing with different aspects of my life. Although the poem was “Repented Pharisee”, in hindsight, it should have been “Always Repenting Pharisee”.